Substance Sundays: How I Stopped Being a Loser After Three Years.
I guess we have to define our terms here.
During my “loser” time, I did knock out my second master’s degree (thank you free work program), got my first part time college teaching gig, wrote for a magazine that reached millions and kinda-sorta muddled through a new business which I never fully committed to nor had a plan for.
I wasn’t a loser because of what was (or wasn’t) on my resume, but what was going on inside of me. Somewhere around 27, I quit playing offense. There were a few things at work that really didn’t gel with me, but I shrugged my shoulders and told that little internal voice to shut up. I was 2010, and the worst economy since The Great Depression. I stayed put when I should have moved on. When I was abruptly fired about 16 months later, the sting was intensified when I realized how much time I’d invested that wasn’t coming back. (I’d hung around to finish up grad school for free. Still not sure if that was the right or wrong move).
When I look at my life as a 29–31 year old, I look back and see someone who was quietly miserable, and unsure of how to fix it.
I decided to relocate to Montana, drawn to follow the footsteps of my late great-grandfather who had worked a ranch as a cowboy in the late 1890’s. I said I wanted adventure, and plenty of space to mountain bike and hunt. What I really wanted was to be in a place where no one knew my name…naively thinking maybe the shame couldn’t cross the Mississippi.
I flew out to Bozeman for an interview at Montana State University. I stepped into one of the last wild places. Bears occasionally still roamed into the city limits, and the college gave the place a young, energetic overtone to an old, self sufficient place.
Long story short, Montana State went into a hiring freeze, eliminating the fantasy that I would be someone else if I just changed my zip code.
The wonderful news is that losing the Montana State job jarred me back into moving forward in my life.
Since then, I’ve been fortunate enough to have conversations with other folks who have gotten “stuck” somewhere along the way…and I tell them that my three year transition (from getting fired and wandering aimlessly though 2011, 2012 and 2013) to moving forward with purpose didn’t have to take three years. Here’s what I learned that I can share with others:
STOP AIMING SO LOW
Whether you’ve been dumped, fired, betrayed or just looked over for a promotion, it’s very easy to aim lower on the totem pole, thinking that it will just hurt less if you don’t go all in.
It will hurt more.
I know because I applied for a job at Family Video and failed the handwritten math test. I’m sure it was just anxiety, but nothing messes with your head so much as trying for something you don’t really want, and facing rejection.
For the record, I believe there’s dignity in all work. The reason it was ridiculous for me to try to work at a video store at age 30 is that I had spent 12 years building up professional skills, which I was too timid to go use. So I just downgraded my expectations.
And when I got turned away on that, I wondered what the heck I could do…because the situation constructed a narrative where I was not “the guy who got turned down by the video store.”
We’re all going to face rejection in careers, love and money. It hurts. Make sure what you’re going for is worth the potential pain. When you’re a bit down or transitioning, it’s easy to think the answer is just to lower your standards. It isn’t.
GET GOOD AT LITERALLY ANYTHING
From 2011–2013, I had basically no interests. Now that I’m married, running a company and cycling through the nonstop feeding/changing schedule of a two week old daughter, I have truly come to grasp the value of free time.
I still grab a bit of time to read (via Kindle, one handed, with my daughter sleeping on my chest) here, an hour of XBOX (at 10pm, before her midnight feeding) there.
I had three years of boatloads of free time that could have been utilized for anything from learning an instrument to doubling my dead lift or writing a novel. I did none of these things. I stared off into space a lot.
For the next three months, I’m good with the fact that almost all my time will be spent on entrepreneurship, family or the other “life stuff” (grocery shopping, laundry etc). And that’s OK.
Just like a steak dinner to celebrate a new job tastes better after you’ve been broke for a few months, I know I’ll come out of this season with a better understanding of how to redeem my time and put it to use in growing my marriage, friendships, parenting and hobbies…in a way that I never could have understood before caring for a newborn.
That being said…if you find yourself with an open calendar (a breakup, a layoff), pick literally anything and get good at it. Doesn’t matter if it’s archery or knitting. Just pick something. It’s not the activity…it’s the act of setting a goal and giving your mind more to chew on than just worry and regret.
HELP
Dang, I spent a lot of time telling myself about all my problems, and who’s fault they were. It was stupid people who borrowed too much for their houses who were at fault for the economic crash in ’08 that left me unable to find a suitable job. (While this is factual, it doesn’t let me off the hook).
Look, you probably are the victim in some way. But if your eternal gaze is on the thing that jacked you over, you’re going to get in a metaphorical (or, I dunno, maybe even literal) car crash that does even more damage.
The best way to end the the misery spiral is to help. Wherever. Google volunteer stuff in your neighborhood. Tutor a kid. Walk dogs at the shelter. Become a volunteer diver who goes into the river and finds murder weapons, vehicles and dead bodies.*
Kinda like getting good at something, it doesn’t matter what.
It just matters that you start.
“I’ve been down in a hole for so long
I don’t know if any love could fill it back up
I gotta move on and learn the times to be brave
Can’t live in them old mistakes
And I remember what TK said:
“You can’t steer no boat by looking back at the wake”-Ruston Kelly
*I signed up for this program in IL at one point. Sadly, it was canceled before I got to recover any corpses.
